


I Stand With Empty Lies

by Givethemtriumphnow



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Charley and the TARDIS have been friends since the end of Zagreus, Empty Eyes, Fix-It, Gen, Inspired by Within Temptation, Song lyrics for the title, Spoilers for Absolution, The Doctor cares and you can't tell me otherwise, The TARDIS as an actual character, Time Travel, Time Travel Shenanigans, You can't convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:20:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26277064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Givethemtriumphnow/pseuds/Givethemtriumphnow
Summary: What if Charley had pressed just a little bit harder, in the end of Absolution? What if she managed to break through the Doctor's composure?The Doctor plays at being cold, being detached and uncaring, but sometimes, all that it takes for a lie to fall apart is being forced to confront it head on.
Kudos: 12





	I Stand With Empty Lies

Charlotte Pollard stared at the Doctor as he stood poised over the center console, looking at her expectantly as the TARDIS doors _wooshed_ shut behind her. "Doctor, you _can't_ be serious."

"Oh, why would I want to be serious? It's much more enjoyable to be _fun_ , wouldn't you say?" The Doctor replied brightly, his eyes shining in the glow of the console as he broke away from her gaze and began to dance around the knobs and levers and buttons, his movements quick, erratic and forceful, like he was fully of energy he could barely contain.

Charley could feel ashes, cold and clammy and _clinging_ to her fingers as she took a single step forward, feeling her heart pounding in her chest even as her lungs constricted, forcing a lump into her throat she could barely breathe past. Tears stung her eyes and her jaw began to tremble, shivers starting to wrack her frame. "Doctor, _C'rizz is dead._ "

The Doctor froze for a moment, then Charley blinked, causing the tears in her eyes to cascade down her face, and the Doctor was moving again, faster this time, practically _whirling_ around the console like a force of nature, like some storm, some oncoming storm, relentless in its steady advance, always moving forward, never stopping. "I know." The Doctor said. "But we can't dwell on the past! C'mon Charley, where to next? Have you ever been to the Silver Moon of Augocartyus? Or how about we visit the Holdisians of The Way? Or even⏤"

"DOCTOR!" Charley shouted, stamping her foot to the ground, hearing the sound echoing around the TARDIS, feeling the ashes on her hands drying and cracking and falling away, spiraling through the air into the depths of the ship and ⏤

Charley clenched her fists tight, suddenly desperate to keep hold of all that remained of C'rizz, feeling sobs building and building in her throat until she couldn't contain them anymore, "Don't you care? Don't you care at all? C'rizz is DEAD! He's gone! He's gone and ⏤ and all you can think about is 'where to next, charley?'!? How DARE YOU! Did he mean NOTHING to you!? C'rizz was my friend he⏤ he was my _brother!_ Did he really mean so little to you!?" Charley demanded, advancing on the Doctor, clutching her fists to her chest, not wanting C'rizz to be lost entirely, not wanting to let him go⏤

"Charley, I⏤" The Doctor started, stumbling to a stop lest he run her down, staring at her with wide eyes before he quickly backed away, edging behind the console, putting distance between them, like she was some animal, like she was diseased, like she was contagious. "Of course I care, but⏤"

"But WHAT, Doctor?" Charley demanded, her voice cracking and breaking down the middle as she stared the Doctor down, barely able to see him through the tears clouding her vision. He was backlit green by the console, and in her head, in the back of her mind, Charley could feel the TARDIS poking and prodding, gently searching for information.

_The TARDIS doesn't know what happened._

She felt it, when the TARDIS found her memory of C'rizz dying, dissolving, becoming bone-white and scattering like ashes in the wind…

The Cloister bell began to toll, and the lights in the console all flashed into deep blue.

Stuttering on her next breath, Charley felt her entire body beginning to shake as the knowledge crashed into her anew.

_C'rizz is dead._

And the TARDIS was mourning for him.

But the Doctor… he just stood there, staring at the console with a look of shock on his face, like he couldn't believe it.

"Surprised?" Charley spat out, "Surprised that the TARDIS can mourn for C'rizz? What, was he nothing to you? Was he just⏤ was he just some _memento mori_ to you!? Is that it? You kept him around because he was interesting, or because he made you look good? Well? _Tell me Doctor!"_ Charley demanded, choking on the words until they came pouring out of her like an unrelenting flood.

Moving forward, Charley ignored that the Doctor backed away from her with every step she took, "I thought we meant more to you than that! I thought we were friends! I thought C'rizz was your friend! I thought you cared about him! But you don't care about _anything_ but this ship, do you? You don't even care about me, do you? I didn't want to believe it before, I wanted to believe you'd changed, that you'd lied, that you _actually_ cared, but your hearts are empty, aren't they?"

"Charley, no, I⏤" The Doctor whispered, hands up in surrender as he backpeddled away from her, their endless cycle of one step forward, one step back taking them in circles around the console as she caged him in with her words and her cries, her shouts echoing in the cavernous space of the console room like a ghost, like the sound creature was with them once more, taking their emotions and magnifying them into a crescendo. The Doctor refused to meet her gaze as he backed away, staring at the floor or the ceiling or the console or her ash-stained hands, anywhere but at _her._

Charging forward, determined that he would not ignore her, Charley raised her ash-stained hands and batted his defensive hands aside, hammering her fists onto his chest with her flagging strength, "I should have known better after we went to the divergent universe! I should have known since that bloody, endless white tube! I should have known you don't care about anything, we're all just _nothing to you⏤!"_

The Doctor shoved her away.

Whirling away from her in a spinning flash of coat tails, the Doctor ran away from her accusations, clutching at his hair and pulling on it desperately as he shook his head over and over again, panting like a bull, "No, no, no Charley, you have it all wrong I _do_ care I just can't… I just can't⏤!"

Whirling around, shaking all over, the Doctor clenched his eyes shut and gasped for air, hunching his shoulders and hiding his face from her sight⏤

With an agonized roar, the Doctor charged at a tea table and with a shove, sent it flying across the TARDIS, scattering books and tea cups that had long gone cold. "I CAN'T!" He roared, "I can't! I can't think about the past! I can't remember, I can't dwell, I can't grieve for everyone whose left, everyone whose died, I CAN'T! I CAN'T! No! I CAN'T take this pain!"

Stunned, Charley sucked in a stuttering gasp and watched as the Doctor's cheerful mask shattered and fell away to expose the aching hurt that he'd hidden so deep inside for so long. Clutching her ash-stained hands to her heart, Charley stood still and watched as the Doctor became a storm of destruction, his rage and _grief_ exploding out of him like a flood.

With a wordless bellow, the Doctor swept his arm across another table, and ancient gizmos and delicate instruments went crashing to the floor with a thunderous roar, echoing in the room like a cacophonous concert played in a white room, harmonizing with the cloister bell and the Doctor's denial as he raged, kicking at chairs and books and digging his palms into his eyes as he whirled like a madman on the spot.

Charley clenched her own eyes shut tight as the noise, as the Doctor's _pain_ rent through her, amplifying her own grief as though they were once more a single being, as though she could feel his hearts breaking, as his composure crumbled into dust, like C'rizz had, scattered on the wind but for what remained clenched in her hands, protected by her desperation.

Over the roar and the crashing and _despair_ echoing from the Doctor's corner of the console room, over her own shaking tears, Charley felt as much as heard the TARDIS give a small, quiet _beep_ behind her. Turning to peer at the console, Charley squinted through her tears to make out the shape that the TARDIS was presenting her with as a small compartment opened up on the console.

Craning her neck to wipe clear the tears from her eyes to see better, Charley took one look at the object the TARDIS had present her with and choked back new sobs, even as her heart filled with love and appreciation for the living ship she'd called home for three years now. "Oh, thank you, TARDIS. It's beautiful." Charley gasped out, shakily moving forward and carefully, gently, reverently deposited what remained of C'rizz into the opalescent jeweled urn that the TARDIS had created.

There was another crash behind her as Charley fitted the lid on and took up the urn, cradling it in her hands as she turned to survey the Doctor through her own tears. He had fallen to his knees by the teacups he had shattered, staring down at the broken setting for three with empty eyes that screwed shut even as she watched, his face twisting into a haunted visage.

"Please, PLEASE! I Can't⏤ I don't _want_ this pain! Why? Why can't something, someone take this pain from me? Universe! You've taken my memories often enough, can you not take this too? Just this once, help me instead of hurt me? I can't⏤ I can't bear it!" The Doctor cried, reaching down and burying his fingers into the broken shards, clutching at what had once been C'rizz's favorite cup, the one with the cracks that had been filled in with gold⏤ ' _kintsugi_ ' as the Doctor had described the reparation technique.

Now, the Doctor clutched at the gold-edged shards in his hands, the breaks diverging from the neat, golden path that had been laid out before, the sharp white edges digging into his palms until blood welled to the surface and dripped onto the floor of the console, causing the lights to flicker in alarm.

"C'rizz, I'm so, so sorry, I couldn't save you. I took you from all you knew, from your friends, from your family, I left you with nothing, nothing but the purpose you felt compelled to fulfill. I could have helped you, I could have done _something_! I⏤ I⏤ You were my _friend_ C'rizz, and I _failed you!_ I was supposed to _protect_ you! And now you're dead, you're gone, and I can't even say _goodbye_!" The Doctor cried, his voice breaking and dissolving as tears began to course down his face, shaking his frame as he clutched his hands bloody on the gold-stained pottery like it was his lifeline.

"Doctor." Charley whispered, her voice twisting in on itself as she fought for composure, "Doctor, it's alright. You're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to _feel_." Approaching with no caution, Charley fell to her knees beside the Doctor and threw her arms around his shoulders, drawing him in close and leaning in against him, feeling heart heart pounding against C'rizz's final resting place as it was sheltered within their embrace.

"C'rizz is here, Doctor. You can say goodbye; we can't bring him back but… but we can _remember him_." Charley whispered out, feeling the Doctor trembling against her as he dropped the shards of pottery to the floor and clutched at her desperately, pulling her closer and closer until their hug felt like that time in the white room; until it felt like the Doctor was trying to burrow into her skin and mind and hide from the horrors of their reality.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Charley, of course I care, _of course I care!_ It just⏤ it just hurts _so much._ I've lost⏤ I've lost so many people, Charley. I've lost so many friends, so much family, so many innocents, I just⏤ It was easier to _not_ feel, to pretend like I didn't care. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be⏤ to be⏤ _cold_. I love you Charley, I love all of you, each and every single one of you, everyone that left and everyone that died and everyone that will be⏤ I love _all_ of you but it _hurts too much!_ I don't _want_ to feel this pain, Charley, I can't bear it! I can't bear this alone! You must think me a monster!" The Doctor confessed, burying his face into the crook of her neck, his tears damp against her shirt where the rain had soaked her.

"But Doctor, don't you see?" Charley said into his hair as she clutched at him, "Don't you see you're not alone? I'm here Doctor, and⏤ and even if I'm ever gone, even if I ever leave, the TARDIS is here, too. Don't you feel her? She's mourning. She's sad. She's _frightened._ _You're_ frightening her, Doctor. Can't you feel her love and concern? Can't you feel mine? I'm sorry about what I said before. I'm _so_ glad that the TARDIS is here for you, Doctor. You need her as much as she needs you, Doctor." Charley confided.

Taking in a deep, shuddering breath as the lights above them slowly stopped their flickering, Charley continued. "I was just upset because⏤ because I thought you didn't _care_ , not about me, not about C'rizz; but I can see how wrong I was. I should have _known_ how wrong I was, from the get-go. Of _course_ you care, Doctor." Charley laughed weakly, "If you didn't, would you have fought so hard to save C'rizz's life at the possible expense of your own in the cube? Would you have even brought him with us from the divergent universe? Would you have fought to protect him so many times when the easier option was to run away and save yourself?"

Pausing to clear her throat as it felt like the grief was choking her once more, Charley waited a moment to see if the Doctor was going to respond; all that was audible though, was the Doctor's breath hitching as he continued to tremble against her.

"No, Doctor. I can see now that you care; you care _deeply_ , and far more than I can imagine. I'm sorry you've been holding this pain inside, but please, please don't bottle it all up, please _talk_ to me. I can't bear to see you _hurting_ like this." Charley finalized, deciding enough was enough: withdrawing back from the Doctor, Charley didn't let the Doctor escape as he tried to avert his gaze from hers⏤ she reached out and gently cupped his cheek, drawing his chin up until he was forced to meet her eyes. "Please, Doctor, I love you, and I _need_ you."

"Oh, _Charley."_ The Doctor whispered, staring at her, his blue eyes cast in an unearthly hue by the blue lights overhead, and this time, Charley saw that the shine in them was not from glee⏤ no, it was from a deep, aching sorrow that he had done all he could to pretend never existed.

"Charley, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I just… I didn't want to _feel._ Of course I care for you, of course I love you, I love⏤ I loved… no. I do _love_ C'rizz; I would have gladly died to save him, to save either of you. I would die a thousand times over if it meant I could keep my loved ones safe, but in the end, everyone leaves, and it just… it hurts so much, to think of them. To think of Dawn, to think of Susan, to think of Ian and Barbera and Victoria and Zoe and Jamie and Sarah-Jane and the Brigadier and… and…" The Doctor choked on his words and could not continue, but beneath their feet and in her head, Charley could feel the TARDIS tolling out names with each mournful ring of the cloister bell:

_Leela, Romana, Liz, Jo, K9, Tegan, Nyssa, Peri, Ace, Grace, Lee, Charley, C'rizz, Mary, Lucie, Molly, Helen, Liv, Fitz, Sam, Tania, Bliss, Rose, Jack, Mickey, Martha, Donna, Amy, Rory, River, Clara, Bill, Ryan, Yaz, Graham, Clarence, Kara, Jordan, Max…_

Charley knew only a small handful of the names that crossed her mind like a breeze through a cemetery, cold and chilling and oh so sad; she got the impression, as the names stretched long past her own, that the TARDIS was not only seeing the friends and family in the Doctor's past, but his future as well.

The names that entered her mind felt sacred, like they were something precious, and she knew, instinctively that the TARDIS was not speaking these names in the Doctor's mind, these were for her alone.

A reminder, a warning, well-intentioned and gripping: _you are not the first, and you are not the last._

_But that doesn't mean you're not important, that you don't have an impact, that you don't leave your mark._

"Oh, _Doctor._ " Charley cried, and embraced him once more, pulling him close and feeling his alien, ancient hearts pounding in her chest like they were her own, like the Doctor's and the TARDIS' sorrow had been absorbed into her as they sat the on the floor of the console room for a small eternity with C'rizz's ashes, locked together, crying and clutching at the other as the Doctor finally allowed himself to grieve.

Eventually, like all things, the powerful storm of emotion began to die.

The cloister bell faded slowly into the background, and then ceased altogether. Gradually, the blue lights began to brighten and shift into calmer colors, and as the atmosphere of the TARDIS began to thaw and warm, Charley found herself simply holding the Doctor close and _breathing_.

Her heart began to slow, and the tears in her eyes slowly dried as her shaking subsided. For a long while, they simply sat there, hugging and simply _existing_ , together. Eventually, the Doctor loosened his desperate grip and shifted, so that their foreheads were pressed together, gazing at her with his eyes once more their familiar, warm blue, no longer filled with that cold ice he had tried so hard to hide behind.

Charley met his gaze, tired, but feeling lighter, somehow. "What do you suppose we should do now? Give C'rizz a proper burial? I don't. I don't know the Eutermasin customs for funerals, It… it never came up." Charley whispered, reaching down and resting her hand on the top of the beautiful, opalescent, scaled urn that sat so innocently beside them. It fit C'rizz amazingly well, and in the lights of the TARDIS seemed to shift colors even as she looked at it.

She wondered in the TARDIS had something similar for all of the Doctor's companions; if there was a beautiful urn somewhere in the TARDIS' core, for _her_.

"I think I have an idea of what he would have liked." The Doctor said, and Charley watched as he reached down and reverently placed his hand on the lid, beside hers. "C'rizz appreciated the beauty in the natural world, he appreciated the intent and context behind art. Well, I think I have just the place to let him rest."

Taking her free hand, the Doctor stood, drawing her up with him and together, they lifted C'rizz's urn, holding it between them. Following him to the console, Charley watched as the TARDIS manipulated the switches and levers without the Doctor's input in a rare show of independence; when they entered the vortex, it was remarkably smooth, and before she really knew it, the rumbling and groaning had ceased, though she felt no _thump_ of landing.

"Doctor, where are we? We didn't land, did we?" Charley inquired quietly, speaking in a hushed voice; she didn't know where the TARDIS had taken them, but the quiet landing spoke of reverence she'd never felt from the ship before.

"Come see, Charley." The Doctor invited, pulling her along behind him gently as he lead her to the doors. Opening them, Charley was shocked to see empty space stretching out through them, endless stars and pitch blackness greeting her⏤

Wait, no. Not empty space⏤

Floating around a shrine in the distance, Charley could see⏤

"Are those urns?" Charley questioned, squinting, and was surprised to see a motley collection of urns, coffins, reliquaries and all manner of jewelry and books and nik-naks encased in crystals floating amongst the stars, all of them slowly orbiting a golden shrine in the distance. And in between the brightness of the stars, something small and wispy and opalescent was drifting from object to object, leaving glittering crystals in their wake⏤

"The Conservatorium of Requiem Six." The Doctor intoned beside her, voice hushed and reverent. "The final resting place of loved ones for many, a memorial to the planet that once stood here. There, do you see? In the dark between the light, do you see those will o'the wisps? The Pyreflies? They're all that remains of the Karrann race. They were⏤ _are ⏤_ scholars, recording and sharing the stories of those who come to rest here; they absorb psychic energy that's been imprinted on an object by the person who lived, and they make sculptures representing the person that last for centuries." The Doctor said softly, "I think it's fitting, don't you? C'rizz was made by his people to be their living legacy, their path to immortality; now, C'rizz himself can be remembered for himself."

Charley watched as the pyreflies spiraled up and around a fob watch that had drifted close to the TARDIS, leaving filaments of crystal in their wake as the figure of a woman began to take shape before their very eyes; taller than life, stocky, with hoops and her ears and hair that cascaded down her shoulders; there was a fierce expression on her face as it was formed from the clear crystal, but somehow, Charley could _feel_ the kindness and determination in the woman represented in front of them; an echo of something familiar, something that felt like the man standing next to her, seemed to reach out from the fob watch at the center of the memorial as it was built, and Charley found herself wishing she could have known the stranger before her.

"What do we do?" Charley whispered as her answer, shifting C'rizz's urn in her hands, feeling the weight of it, feeling the different texture of the scales against her palms.

"We let him go, but…" The Doctor began-

"We never forget." The Charley finished.

Holding C'rizz's urn up, Charley gave one last look at it's bittersweet beauty, and with the Doctor's hand guiding hers, they released it out of the TARDIS doors and into open space.

The urn was caught immediately by the gravitational pull of the distant shrine, and as it was pulled into orbit and began to drift away from the TARDIS, the pyreflies nearby seemed to perk up in interest.

Reaching out, the Doctor took her hand, and Charley found herself following his lead as he lowered himself to the floor and stuck his legs out of the door, letting them hang down into space like it was nothing. Shaking her head slightly, Charley sat down next to him in the doorway, the entrance expanding subtly so they could sit comfortably side by side, fingers entwined and quiet as they watched the pyreflies crowd around C'rizz's urn.

And as a beautiful sculpture of C'rizz began to rise up, twinkling with all the colors in the rainbow as the light of the shrine caught it, Charley knew that while it _hurt_ still, it wouldn't always; and even though C'rizz was gone, the Doctor was still here for her, and _she_ was still here for the Doctor.

She knew it couldn't last forever; the TARDIS had confirmed that with its eulogy in her mind. But right now, she didn't care about that; all that mattered to here was the here and now.

And right now, the _here and now_ was sitting with her hands entwined with the Doctor's, feeling oddly like they were in that white room again⏤ not the horror, not the blood, not the sound, but the _understanding_ , the _connection_ she now felt with the Doctor left her feeling an odd longing for something she couldn't quite articulate.

They were not in the Divergent universe anymore; they were back in their own reality; there would be no magic reset button here, there would be no telling what would come after them next.

She wasn't sure if the Time Lords were aware of their reemergence, but surely they must be? How could they not? Charley had heard Romana's warning to the Doctor as clear as day. Would they be running from the Time Lords next? Or would some other threat come from the shadows suddenly as they always did?

Breathing in deeply, closing her eyes and feeling the coolness of starlight against her eyelids, Charlotte Pollard resolved to enjoy every moment she had left with the Doctor.

It was her _here and now_ , and she would never get a second chance, so she was going to hold on tight as long as she could.


End file.
